Editor’s Note: Some of the jokes are actual and were experienced during the Hajj. In fact, those light jokes which also give the year of Hajj are actual. It is not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings. The actual names have not been disclosed here. If any individual still thinks that any joke is in bad taste, he may write his comment at the end of this page under the heading “Leave a Reply here” and the joke will be removed from this page.
Children Drinking Abe Zam Zam. Anecdote contributed by Lt Col Zafar Mustafa.
During HAJ 1983, when we entered Haram Shareef, I asked my children (Aged 13, 11 and 8) to drink Abe-Zam Zam. After drinking a few sips they made faces and said the taste was no good. Thinking it was no use arguing with them, we proceeded to perform Umra rituals.
Before leaving the Haram Sharif, I and my wife drank Zam Zam to our heart’s content. I noticed that my children also drank quite a bit.
Surprised, I asked them ” How was the taste?”
They said with one voice “Quite good”.
Actually, thirst made them change their opinion.
Encounter with a Professional Beggar. Anecdote contributed by Lt Col Zafar Mustafa.
Surprised, I said “Yes”.
Thereupon he came out with the following story,” I along with my mother and son have come for Umrah. I have lost my passport and cash. Being penniless, I seek your help.”
By now my mind had started functioning more sharply and I was thinking how his wife allowed him to take his mother along and leave her back home and secondly how did he guess I was from Lahore when I was wearing Ahram and looked like thousands of Pakistanis and Indians around the place.
When he found me thinking, he put up his hands towards Qibla and said ” Saab, woh kali kamli walaey ki qasam, mein such bole raha hoon”.
With great difficulty, I controlled my temper and softly told him, “Kali kamli wala yahan say 400 meel door haey”.
In a second, he disappeared in the crowd.
Confronting a Habitual Cheat. Anecdote contributed by Lt Col Zafar Mustafa.
During my stay in Saudi Arabia (1982 to1986), once a Pakistani approached me outside Masjid-e-Nabwi and said” I and my friends were coming from Kuwait when our car hit against a camel and we are required to pay 1000 Riyals before our car is released. Please help me”.
Having spent a few years in Saudi Arabia when this incident took place, I had become a little wiser and told this man, ” I have heard this story quite a few times. Please make a new story now.”
Needless to say that he didn’t waste his precious time anymore and walked away to try his luck somewhere else.
The Old Man and His Greedy Sons. Joke contributed by Lt Col Ikram Ullah.
During Hajj 1991, we saw a 75 years old Pakistani man at Jeddah Airport. He belonged to some village in Punjab. He was semi conscious because of very high fever. We took him to the medical facility set up by Pakistan Hajj ministry. When the old man regained his consciousness, I asked him, “Baba jee, where is your passport?’
He told us that he had lost the passport and had no money. He further told us that his sons have sent him on Umra three months back thinking that he would die in Saudi Arabia because of illness and old age and they would grab his agricultural land.One of the Haji asked him jokingly, “By now your sons must have transferred the land in their names?”
The old man gave a big laugh, put his hand in his pocket, brought out some papers and said, “Aidi katchi golian tay mein vee nahi khaidian. Mein tay zameena day asli kaghaz naal hee lay aaya saan.”
The Old Man Who Couldn’t Handle His Ahraam. Joke contributed by Lt Col Zahid Iqbal.
All those who are not used to wear “dhoti”, for them it is very difficult to handle Ahraam. During Hajj 2012, there was an old man in our tent in Mina. He had no clue how to wear an Ahraam properly. Whenever he faced us, he used to be exposed from front and when his back was towards us, he was exposed from back as well. Every time one of us had to tell the elderly man to take care of his Ahraam.
One day lot of water was spilled outside our tent and we were very careful not to get our Ahraam spoiled because of the dirty water. The old man who had gone out for some errand, came in the tent and said ” Shukar hai. Mera Ahraam kharab nahi hua.”
I replied, ” Baba jee! Apna Ahraam tou bachaa liya, per sub tent waloon kay Ahraam aap nay kharaab kar diye hain (because of his ‘exposure’ scenes). Uss ka kiyya banay ga?”
Chakars of Kaala Buxa. Joke contributed by Maj Nazir Farooq Cheema.
The husband asked, “Where were you?”
The wife said, “Mein kaalay buxay day pooray tin (three) chakar la laye nay.”
The husband scolded her, “Oye Jhaliye! Tin (three) nahi, panj (five) chakar lanay see.”
Scuffle Over a Mattress at Mina. Joke contributed by Lt Col Zahid Iqbal.
On 10th Zil Hajj, during Hajj 2012, after a long tiring day I, along with a PhD doctor, reached our tent in Mina at about 01:30 am and immediately went to sleep. After an hour, I heard a snoise in our tent. Exactly in front of me that PhD doctor was sleeping. Another Haji was waking him by saying, “Doctor Sahib, this mattress under you is mine.”
The doctor, who was a very humble and sober person, woke up, rubbed his eyes with his hands and said in a sleepy voice, “Haji Sahib, this is my mattress. I have been sleeping on it for all Hajj days.”
But the other Haji was adamant that it belonged to him. Without any prior notice, he suddenly snatched the mattress from underneath the doctor and went away. The poor doctor was lying flat on the carpet. He mad a funny face and looked towards me with a puzzled look, then closed his eyes and went to sleep.
I can’t forget to this day the funny look on the face of the doctor.
O’ Allah! You Have Locked Your House. Joke contributed by Maj Nazir Farooq Cheema.
Back in 1978, a simple lady from Chak Jhumra (District Faisalabad) went with her son to perform Hajj. When she reached Masjid Al-Haram, she was disappointed to see the locked door of Kaaba. She raised her hands and prayed in a complaining voice, “Ya Allah! Mein bari dooroon tera ghar daikhan aai aan, per toon apnay ghar noo vee jandray (locks) laye hoye nain.”
(Translation: O’Allah! I have come this far to see your house but you have put locks to your house over here too).
To her good luck, after a short time the caretakers opened the door of Kaaba for the visit of a head of state of some African country. In those days the tawaf by the general public was not stopped to accommodate the visit of VIPs. With the push of the crowd, the old lady got a chance to enter Kaaba and she offered some nawafil inside the Kaaba.
How quickly her prayer was answered by Allh !!! Subhan Allah!!
A Miser Goes for Hajj
An Old Lady Who Couldn’t Do Shopping During Hajj. Joke contributed by Brig Khalid Hassan.
The old lady sighed and said, “Ki dassaan puttar, khareedari ki karni si. Pehlay das (ten) din tay ibaadataan wich hi zaya ho gaey.”
The Extremely Tired Hajjan. Joke contributed by Col Ejaz Nazim.
A plane full of Hajis landed at a Hajj terminal at Lahore. The door opened and a very exhausted old Hajjan lady appeared at the door. She fully stretched out her right arm, waved her ‘Shahaadat’ finger in warning and started shouting “Vay loko! meri gal s’un lao, Kadi koi Hajj karan na jaavay! Aye barra okha kam ay.”
(Translation: “Listen to me O’ people! No one should ever go for Hajj! It is a very difficult task.”)
The Judge and the Pepples. Joke contributed by Lt Col Zahid Iqbal.
During Hajj 2012, a judge was also in our group. We were moving to Jamarat for 3rd day Rami in a bus. The judge was carrying pebbles for his wife, bhabi and handicapped brother. So he had to throw 28 pebbles on each Devil. He was carrying four bottles (Incuding his bottle) filled with 21 pebbles each for four persons with names written on each bottle.
I asked him, ” Sir, how would you do it?”He said, “I will take out first bottle and throw 7 pebbles at Small Devil, then throw 7 pebbles from the 2nd bottle, then from 3rd and then from 4th bottle. I will repeat the same procedure on Middle and Large Devils.”
I was amused to learn about this ‘complicated’ method. I said, “Sir, please use only 3 bottles with 28 pebbles in each bottle. No need to write anything on the bottles. Empty one bottle at Small Devil, then another bottle at Middle Devil and empty the last bottle on Large Devil.”He was very impressed and was visibly relaxed. He jokingly said, “Look at my relatives, they have asked me to stand in front of Shaitaans all alone!!”
I said, “Sir, in Pakistan many Shaitaans stand in front of you every day, so what if once you have to stand in front of Shaitaan.”
I hope he doesn’t put me behind bars in a contempt case!!
Is Pushto the Language of Janat? Joke contributed Lt Col Rashid Zia Cheema.
The simple Punjabi, who was also a retired Fauji, thought that it might be a joke but he rejected the idea thinking that how could some one tell a lie at Mina during the Hajj. Still for further verification, he sought the second opinion from another Pakhtoon belonging to Charsadda.
To his disappointment the Charsadda guy said, “You are very ignorant. Every Tom, Dick and Harry knows it. Didn’t you know this fact before?”
The Fauji guy’s face was pulled down. He thought for a moment and then innocently said, “I can lug lug poye Pushto” (I can speak a little Pushto). Do I still have any chance to enter Janat?”
All the Pathan Hajis gave a big laugh. One of them patted the Fauji guy’s shoulder and politely said, “Relax, brother!!. Even lug lug Pushto poye will enter the Janat.”
The above joke reminds us about the following couplet in Pushto:-
Aghyaar wai da dozakh jaba da
Zah ba Janat taa da Pakhtu sara zam
(Urdu Translation: Ghair loge kehtay hain kay yeh dozakh ki zaban hai, Laikin mein issi Pushto kay saath Janat jaaon ga).
(English Translation: People say that this is the language of Hell, but I will enter Paradise with this same Pushto language).
What to Do with the Spare Pebbles? Joke contributed by Capt Shafquat Ullah Khan.
During Hajj 2012, a Haji from Army Hajj Contingent flung pebbles on Jamarat and came back to his tent in Mina. He told his friend, “I have still a few pebbles left with me. What should I do with them?”
“Take them along to Pakistan” said his friend.
The Haji gave him a puzzled look and asked “What the hell I would do with them in Pakistan?”
“Throw them on Zardari” was the brief reply of his friend.
Haji’s Friend from Pakistan Wanted 60 Kg Dates. Joke contributed by Lt Col Rashid Zia Cheema.
Haji Sahib protested, “How can I bring 60 kg dates as my total baggage allowance is only 30 kg. I have my own luggage and want to buy dates for my near and dear ones too.”
After much discussion and haggling the friend from Pakistan finally said, “Oye yaara! Ziada nakhray na kar. Hath wich ikk panj kilo khajoor da lifafa he phar kay lay aa.”
Computer Illetracy at Its Peak. Joke contributed by Lt Col Rashid Zia Cheema.
During Hajj 2012, one Haji volunteered to write comments to be sent to their Hajj Tour Operators for improving the administrative arrangements. He was noting down the email addresses of all Hajis because he wanted to get their feedback on the subject. He asked a middle-aged doctor to provide his email address.
The doctor was not computer literate and didn’t have his email account. He turned to his wife and said, “Please give the Haji sahib your email number?”
The volunteer Haji smiled and enjoyed the use of “email number” by the doctor.
Indian Brand Niswar. Joke contributed by Lt Col Rashid Zia Cheema.
During Hajj 2012, two Hajis belonging to Charsadda were addicted to niswar. During their stay in Saudi Arabia they were using an Indian brand niswar (Chaini Khaini) which they havebrought from Pakistan.
A Haji belonging to Lahore saw them using that Indian brand. He came to them promptly and said in an agitated mood,”Khan sahib! I have no objection that you use niswar even during the Hajj but I just cannot tolerate that you use Indian brand instead of Pakistani in this holy land.”
The Charsadda guy gave him a sweet smile and with a twisted finger put some niswar in his mouth and said, “Alhamdolillah”.
Fungus Infected Niswar. Joke contributed by Mian Adam Khan.
During Hajj 2012, two Hajis from Charsadda brought sufficient quantity of niswar from Pakistan for their entire stay in Saudi Arabia. One fine morning when they opened the packet, they were disappointed to see that all the niswar was infected by fungus.
One of them, a non practising lawyer, was a very jolly fellow. He asked the other Haji, “Yaara! Yeh Fungus ko kaisay Fungus lug gayya?”
(Note: Actually, niswar itself is a fungus and he was astonished as to how the fungus got fungus.)
The Complaint of Jamrah al-Kubrā (The Largest Devil). Joke contributed by Maj Razaq Chaudry.
A jolly good Aviator, who has now settled in Las Vegas, USA, went for Haj 2012. When he returned to his tent in Mina on Eid Day after throwing pebbles on Jamrah al-Kubrā (The Largest Devil), one of the tent mates asked him, “Partner, How was the experience?”
The naughty Aviator said, “Everything went alright but the moment I threw the 7th pebble and started to exit the area, I heard the Devil calling me back.”
“What did he say?” asked the bewildered tent mate.
The Aviator said, “The Devil said to me in a complaining voice,’You too Brutus!”
Another Version of Throwing Pebbles on Devil During Hajj. A Pakistani leader went for pebbles throwing on Devil during Hajj. When he threw the first pebble, the Devil said, “You are my own friend. What happened to you?”
Arabs, as a Nation, are Well Mannered. Joke contributed by Lt Col Tariq Ahsan Ali Khan Kiani.
Relative: “What else did you like there?”
Baba Jee:”The Arabs, as a nation, are very well mannered people. They don’t abuse each other even during a quarrel.”
Relative: “Really? I don’t believe.”
Baba Jee: I have closely observed that during a quarrel, one person recites a brief Ayat. Believe me, in all the cases the other person turns out to be a very pious man and in response recites a very long Ayat. You see, how generous are our Arab brothers!!!”
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