Husband & Wife Jokes (in English)

Newton’s Law of Sunday

Funny Jokes in English - Newton's Law of Sunday - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

State of Madness

Best Jokes in English - Can a Husband remarry in 'State of Madness'? - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Curry or Soup?

Best Jokes in English - Wife,"Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?" - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Do not argue with a Spouse……..

Best Jokes in English - Do not argue with a wife - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Playing on the Roof

Best Jokes in English - Playing on the Roof - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Wife’s Trap

Best Jokes in English - Wife's Trap - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Rest in Peace, Darling!

Best Jokes in English - Wife attends English speaking course - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Man yearns for the Woman he Loves

Best Jokes in English - Man yearns for the woman he loves - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Are you Mad at your Wife?

Best Jokes in English - "Are you Mad at your Wife?" - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Today is a Fine Day

Best Jokes in English - "Today is a Fine Day" - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

A Husband’s Choices for Dinner 

 Jokes in English - Dinner Choices for a Husband - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Thinking of a Wife not talking to her Husband

Jokes in English - Thinking of a Wife not talking to her Husband - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Honest Confession of a Married Man

Best Jokes in English - A Married man's honest confession - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

A Husband’s Reason for Marriage Break-up

Best Jokes in English - A Husband's reason for marriage break-up  - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Argument Between a Couple

Best Jokes in English - Argument between a Couple - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Poisonous Mushrooms 

Best Jokes in English - Poisonous Mushrooms - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

A Bank Robbery

Jokes in English - A bank robber asks a question - Husband & Wife Jokes

A Good Wife forgives her Husband…

Jokes in English : A good Wife forgives her Husband - Husband & Wife Jokes

A Man Seeks Divorce 

Jokes in English : A man seeks divorce - Husband & Wife Jokes

A Man was Sad on his Wife’s Death

Jokes in English : A Husband sad on wife's death - Husband & Wife Jokes

Slow and Painful Death

Funny Jokes in English: Slow and painful death - Husband and Wife Jokes

Real Man Would always Lead his Wife to Train

Funny Jokes in English: Real man would always lead his wife to train - Husband and Wife Jokes

Husband Throws Darts at the Photo of His Wife

Funny Jokes in English: Husband throws darts at the photo of his wife - Husband and Wife Jokes

The Beggar and the Married Man

Funny Jokes in English: The beggar and the married man - Husband and Wife Jokes

Husband Finds Aladdin’s Lamp. He asks the genie to increase his wife’s brain 10 times.

Husband and Wife Jokes: Husband finds Aladdin'd Lamp and asks him to increase wife's brain 10 times.

Telephone Rings Late at Night

Husband and Wife Jokes: Telephone rings late at night, wife picks it up.

The Shortest Argument Between Husband and Wife

Funny Husband and Wife Jokes in English - The shortest argument between husband and wife

The Wife Climbs Mount Everest, the Highest Mountain in the World

Husband and Wife Jokes: The wife climbs on top of Mount Everest

The Mighty Spiderman After Marriage

     Funny Husband and wife Jokes - Spiderman becomes submissive after marriage - Best Husband & wife Jokes

Position of Husband is Like a Split AC

Funny Husband and Wife Jokes - Position of husband is like a split AC, designed to remain silent, cool and controlled by remote - Best Husband and wife Jokes

‘W’ is the Most Dangerous Alphabet

Funny Jokes in English: W is the most dangerous alphabet - Husband and Wife Jokes

A Miser’s Gift to His wife on 25th Wedding Anniversary
A miser , who never bought a gift for his wife, gave her a cemetery plot for their 25th wedding anniversary.
A year passed. Just before their 26th wedding anniversary, they had an argument and didn’t speak for several days. On the wedding anniversary day, when the husband returned home from work, his wife, in a conciliatory mood, asked, “Jim, darling, do you know what day this is?”
“Yeah,” he grumbled, still angry. “It’s our anniversary.”
“Well, did you get me anything?”
“No. You didn’t use what I gave you last year!”

The Female Brain Works on a Different Wavelength
Tom was talking to his wife about the idea of living or dying. He told her: “Maggie! Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions …that are keeping me alive, I’d much rather die”.
Maggie got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him….and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whisky, rum, gin, vodka and the beer from the fridge.
1. Think about what you wish for.
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the males.

Difference Between ‘Complete’, ‘Finished’ and ‘Completely Finished
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED

Thunder at the Funeral
A woman’s burial services were being attended by relatives in a local cemetery. Suddenly the rain started with a loud thunder of clouds.
The husband looked at the crowd and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

Wife Tries to Jump Out of Hotel’s Window
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,”Please come fast I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out of the window of your hotel”.
The manager responded, “Sir that’s a personal matter.”
Husband: “The window won’t open! That’s a maintenance matter !”

Good Investment
Unsuccessful businessman to his very fat wife: “You are my only investment in life that has doubled.”

A Man Just Like Her Father
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said, “I’ve found a man just like father!”
Mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

A Miraculous and Powerful Wife
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

A Stormy Night

Best Jokes in English - A Married man buys Burgers at 2 AM in Stormy Night - Husband & Wife Jokes in English

Husband Comes Home Very Late at Night
A man came home very late at night after a party. His wife yelled: ”How would you feel if you don’t see me for two days?”The man couldn’t believe his luck: ‘”That would be great!”Monday passed and he didn’t see her……Tuesday and Wednesday passed too…..On Thursday his swelling became better and now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
Ten Years After the Marriage 
A man visited a marriage counselor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
“Why complain?” said the counselor. “You’re still getting the same service.”

Under the Influence of Anaesthesia
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute.”
The wife was disappointed because instead of ‘beautiful,’ it was now ‘cute’. She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”
The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

The Woman Who Shouts at Her Family & Dogs
A man was telling his friends, “When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her.”
One of his friends asked.”And when you are angry, what do you do?” The man replied, “I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.”

The Husbad Drowned in the Ocean
A couple was on a cruise. They were standing on the deck when a wave came up and washed the man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the captain sent the wife back to shore, telling her,” I would notify you as soon as we find something.”After two weeks the wife got a fax from the boat: “We found your husband’s dead body. We also found an oyster attached with his body and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The wife faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Judy and the Fortune Teller
A fortune teller delivered grave news to Judy: “Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Judy took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

Wild Fiction
A newly engaged man goes in the Library and asks the female librarian: ” Ma’am, I want the book something like Master of My Woman.”
The librarian says: ” Our fiction and fantasy books are in the basement.”

Jenny, the Horse
A man was reading a newspaper when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan. “What was that for?” the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket”.
The man then said, “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.”
The wife apologized. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked, What was that for?”
The wife replied,”Your horse phoned.”

Arab Sheikh’s Offered 100 Camels to Jaffar Bhai
Jaffar Bhai, a Khoja businessman, and his wife were sitting outside a Mall in Dubai. A rich Arab Sheikh approached them and asked where they were from.
“Karachi, Pakistan,” Jaffar Bhai replied.
Looking at his attractive wife, the Arab said, “I’ll give you 100 camels in exchange for her”.
Jaffar Bhai looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “She’s not for sale.”
After the Arab left, the wife said “That was so romantic of you to refuse, but what took you so long to answer?”
Jaffar Bhai replied, “I was trying to figure out how I could take 100 camels back to Karachi with only one ticket of yours!!!”

A Priest’s Genuine Advice
A man goes to a priest and tells him:”My wife is poisoning me. What should I do?”
The priest said, “Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
The priest calls the man the next day and says, “Well, I spoke to her for six hours. You want my advice?”
The man said, “Yes”
The priest replied, “Take the poison.”

A ‘Loving’ Husband’s Plan for 50th Wedding Anniversary
At a Hindu Temple in London, during a marriage seminar for husbands, the priest asked Manubhai, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Manubhai told the assembled husbands, “Well, I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, and, best of all, I took her to Mumbai for our 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Manubhai, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Manubhai proudly replied, ” I am going back to Mumbai to pick her up.”

The Bad Dog Which Killed Two Women
A man saw a most unusual funeral procession approaching a cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.The man couldn’t stand the curiosity and asked the man walking the dog: “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
“What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. Then the man asked,”Can I borrow the dog?”
The husband replied, “Get in line.”

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  1. Subreana says:

    I love this joke ‘The Bad Dog Which Killed Two Women’!!!

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